Irritable Vowel Syndrome
You see, I have this condition. It’s my larynx. Whenever I try to speak a word with an open configuration of my vocal tract (AKA, a vowel), I end up sounding like some pimply seahorse hiding in a treasure chest in the middle of pimpleshire. It’s not good, I’m telling you.
I just diagnosed myself with this disorder tonight, so let me explain it to you since it will not appear in your textbooks.
Features
IVS, or “Sp:as:tic: C:olo:n”, is a group of Functional Vowel Disorders and is fairly rare. IVS usually rears its ungraceful head when diphthongs are violently spouted really really fast. Examples:
- Orange
- Flower
- Yawn
- Pause
- Noise
- Royal
- The epitome of femininity
Symptoms
The symptoms of IVS are sometimes hard to spot, but often fall into the following categories:
- Recurrently awkward social situations
- People around you usually observe that you “mumble a lot”, or something analogous
- Your vocal intonations blend in freakishly with the hum of cheap electronics equipment
Treatment
Treatment involves two of the following three prescriptions:
- Gargling
- Coughing (or hawking a couple loogies)
- A kick in the ass
Prognosis
IVS is not fatal nor is it linked to the development of other serious vowel disorders. However, the following behaviors, and other negative quality-of-life effects can be common in more serious cases.
- Chronic emotional pain
- Blows to the ego
- Work absenteeism
- Social phobias
- Bed-wetting
Individuals lucky enough to find a successful treatment for their symptoms can lead normal lives.
