Exclamation Ratio
Flagrant notational violence of the exclamatory—dare I say inflammatory—variety is rampant and must be extinguished before it does further harm. Ladies and gentlemen, grammarians and countrymen, it’s time to raise public awareness of the overuse of exclamation marks. Allow me to introduce a new tool: the Exclamation Ratio (r).
Definition
The Exclamation Ratio (r) of a group of sentences is the ratio of sentences ending in exclamation marks to sentences not ending in exclamation marks and is formally defined as follows:
r = s / ( t - s )
Where:
t = Total number of sentences. 1
s = Number of sentences ending in exclamation marks. 2
Interpretation
After calculating the Exclamation Ratio (r) for a given set of sentences, the results may be interpreted in the following way:
- 0.00 - 0.10: This is normal; no reason to be alarmed.
- 0.10 - 0.25: The author is playing with fire and must be monitored.
- 0.25 - 0.75: This is getting serious; seek professional help.
- 0.75 - 1.00: Proceed with righteous and snooty smack-down.
- 1.00 - ∞: Repeatedly beat head against nearby wall.
Summary
I consistently receive emails that have a multitude of exclamation marks in near as many sentences. This has grown to be more than a minor annoyance and until now it’s been unclear to me how to deal with this epidemic which is spreading faster than anyone had previously imagined. Some of the emails I’ve received recently have had Exclamation Ratios (r) of 5.00 or higher—off the charts!
The new breed of email demands a verdict. What say you? It’s time for the typographic unification of our punctual selves. Who’s with me? Do you not remember when these egregious vulgarities were once thought to be merely fictional impossibilities? Regrettably, Truman, they are no longer; welcome to this cruel place we call life where glaring crimes are being garishly committed not only without repercussions, but without remorse.
Hear me please. Is anyone listening?
- Sentences not terminated properly with a full stop, ellipsis, exclamation mark or question mark are not counted. This is not English and should not be treated as such. ↩
- If a given sentence has two or more exclamation marks, automatically increase the Exclamation Ratio (r) by one (1) for each extra exclamation mark to aptly reflect the gross inappropriateness of this very special violation. ↩
24 July 2006 — Terms: Feature
About the author
Mark Benson lives in Minneapolis and is looking for answers in ordinary and otherwise unremarkable experiences. More detail is available in the Preface.
Featured
New to Vanilla Draft? If so, you may be interested to read the following popular entries:
- 2006.07.24: Exclamation Ratio
- 2006.01.25: Mr. Afro's Barbershop
- 2005.10.23: A Letter to Scarred Feet
- 2005.09.02: Burrito Bandit
References
Where to find me elsewhere: Delicious • Flickr • Google Reader • Jayber • Last.fm • Logic • LinkedIn • SmugMug • Twitter • Vimeo • YouTube
Observations
Personal experiences and observations of questionable value in 140 characters or less:
- 8 Dec 2009 —
If you were to say there does not exist a nastier place on the planet than the holes of a bowling ball, I would have no choice but to agree.
- 10 Nov 2009 —
I can’t explain it, but I somehow have the ability to detect if a person has a mustache from looking at the back of their head. Today: 5/5.
- 27 Oct 2009 —
Last night, I dreamed my nickname at work was The Pimp, but politely asked my co-workers to honor my wishes and instead call me Homeslice.
- 22 Oct 2009 —
Lately, I’ve been fine-tuning my be-bop skillz while putting NWB to sleep to the tune of Pajama Time by Sandra Boynton. Bomp, chicka chicka.
- 8 Oct 2009 —
I’m becoming concerned about the clear contradiction between my pacifist nonviolent ideology and my beloved DIY rodent guillotine.
- 19 Aug 2009 —
On my way to LAX. Overheard in Minneapolis at gate G14: “Who stole my damn backup cigarette money?”.
- 25 Jul 2009 —
Camping in WI. The men’s bathroom only allows one curling iron at a time. How often do men use curling irons, let alone bring them camping?
- 12 Jul 2009 —
Spent most of the weekend chopping down a forest of sapling crabapple trees. Getting medieval with a garden mattock is strangely cathartic.
- 26 May 2009 —
Our neighbor just slyly offered to dial the weed-control company on our behalf. Who do they think they are, the dandelion police?
- 19 May 2009 —
Remembering the lonely Fruit Rollup floating in the green biffie I patronized today. What sort of barbarian goes around discarding snacks?